This and That and Dying

I just received something interesting in the mail and…

Let me back up a little here. We all receive “junk” in the mail and we wonder why…why anyone in their right…or left…mind would be sending that to me, or sending that to anybody else. The most interesting ones I receive are coupons to save big money on items that I don’t want, would never buy or ever have any use for. It’s like going to my mail box and having a TV set in there stuck on the shopping network channel…or a string of “it’ll be the best $19.95 you will ever spend your life” commercials…but don’t forget the shipping and handling. And if you pay separate shipping and handling we will double our offer so you can have two of something you never ever wanted in the first place. The cost of living is going down…as long as you are willing to pay shipping and handling.

And now I find that not only is the cost of living supposedly going down but so is the cost of dying…or so says the item I received in the mail. Actually part of dying is FREE (underscore)… at least the cremation is.

Here’s how they put in on the envelope. First they started with the patriotic ploy. Four American flags waving from flag polls on a field of blue…gets me every time. Then the dark blue, FREE (underscored).  Now comes the oxymoronic full bold faced line FREE (underscored) (and get ready for it) PRE-PAID CREMATION…details inside (small print). There damn well better be details inside because I have no idea how something that needs to be pre-paid so that it can in any way be FREE (underscored).

So let’s open the envelope and find out who wins the Oscar for the best oxymoronic statement since Military Intelligence.

More people are choosing cremation because “It’s much less expensive” (thought the envelope said FREE (underscored))…now a pull on the environmental heart strings… “It has less impact on the environment.” (Sign me up right now. Heaven forbid that my body should decay and push up Daisies.) And…”It just makes sense!”

Well where in heavens name is the FREE (underscored) PRE-PAID part?

The advantage of making my arrangements now is “you lock in today’s price.” So if I PRE-PAY now, it will be FREE (underscored) when I die? …and “your family will simply be left to concentrate on what’s important”…I guess that would be finishing off the two or three kegs of high class imported beer I got for FREE (underscored) when I PRE-PAID for them at the beer emporium…and don’t forget the case of honey flavored Whiskey.

“Like we said; Cremation just makes sense.” But I still…and I’m on page two now…see nothing about it being FREE (underscored)  if I PRE-PAID for it.

Visit our website but “Please note that you are under NO obligation—this is only to receive cremation information.”


America’s Cremation Specialists

(Writers note: The name of the company has been intentionally left out to protect the extremely stupid.)


P.S. (in small print…of course) Please accept our apologies if this letter has reached you at a time of serious illness or death in your family. (Then why the hell are you sending it? Don’t you need me to be sick, dying or dead to take advantage of your never been mentioned FREE (underscored) PRE-PAID Cremation services?)


WAIT! I found IT…(see enclosed post card)…WIN A PRE-PAID CREMATION.

P.S. Please include your phone number so we call you if your name is drawn. (Or when we CAN reach you at a time of illness or death.)




Dear sir, madam or Grimm Reaper,


I hope this letter reaches you in a moment of clarity and not during a moment of illness, death or EXTREME STUPIDITY…but you have just won a FREE (underscore) PRE-PAID kick in the ass.



Still Alive and Well in America





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