I’m tired…worn down to a frazzle…exhausted…nothing more left to give to anyone…well maybe a little for myself. And no I don’t feel selfish. Its just time I took some time for myself.
During the past year…actually more than a year…I have been doing fits and starts of home remodeling for my kids and attempting to get back to doing upkeep on my own house. But the previous nine years or so of major and minor surgeries have put a damper on my stamina and abilities…hence the fits and starts. This is something I have come to be able to face…I’m not as young as I used to be. But my wife doesn’t want to hear it. Not in a mean way…she just doesn’t want to admit that my body can no longer cash the checks she wants to write. Or by continuing to write them and expecting me to cash them…well…she will keep me young. In a way I guess she does.
I keep at it because I want to please her and to be honest I enjoy creating and enjoy people enjoying what I create.
Take this Blog for example. I construct sentences, paragraphs, essays and stories that I pass on to you and all who show me the consideration of reading my words. Thank you.
After weeks of stumbling through the short hours of my construction my body allows, I am so tired that I think I could sleep for 24 hours…maybe more. Rip vanWinkel sleep…maybe the remodel would have completed itself when I woke up.
But no such luck. So I thought I would let my body rest and let my mind send electrical impulses to my fingers and put out some words.
Of course being connected to the Internet and so tired I’m easily distracted and I began to surf the net. You know the typical stuff; B&W photographs, other blogs, email and of course the ever interesting…Google my name. Now I can’t Google my childhood name, Dick Balzer because, even though, some body with to much time on their hands has imputed all information that has been around since “Let there be light”. Besides some with MY name has written a book on peep shows…honestly it isn’t me. And I haven’t used Richard since I began to photograph and write so my interest in my Richard self is kinda weak when I am surfing the web…and unlike my child hood name, Richard Balzer has become a popular combinations of names. So, naturally I chiseled it down to RW Balzer. Interesting stuff.
I found my photographs from my time as a college athletic photographer, a newspaper stringer photographer, some hits from my time as a contractor and quite a few about my blog. I found and find that interesting. I enjoy sending my words into the electronic world and have them return as the electronic “Good stuff. I’m following you.” These are words that all bloggers enjoy hearing. But…but, I found one hit on Google where my blog was used as an example of something in a college paper. An example of what I don’t know. And even more interesting the paper written about RW Balzer was from a college paper mill…SOMEONE IS SELLING ME!!!
Oh I feel so used, so abused…but only because they didn’t notify me or have a connection to the paper. Now I feel so much more exhausted. I don’t mind if my kids use me to remodel their houses or my wife lights a fire under my but to get up and out and complete all those delayed projects lying around the house, and yard, and, and etc.
Next time someone quotes me in print, or credits my words in their college paper, I at least expect a hug. I mean it feels great when my kids and wife pay me in “I love yous” and hugs and kisses.
Ok…maybe the plethora of you out there reading, enjoying or attributing my words could just say “Good stuff. I’m following you!”